This week I was stung 3 times—figuratively and literally. The first was an angry wasp that dive-bombed my face with its hot stinger, leaving me in pain and my lips swollen to twice their normal size. 

The next day my old Prius lost its catalytic converter to thieves for the second time this year, costing me a mint to replace—again. 

And a day later I got vaccinated, finally, after a year of choosing not to do so. For me, that was the biggest sting of all.

By today the grotesque swelling of my lips is mostly gone, and the catalytic converter has been replaced, this time protected by a strong metal shield, welded in. 

And I have joined the vaccinated world, but not without some strong reservations.

From the first announcements of a strange flu making its terrifying way around the globe, something felt suspicious to me. I recalled the infamous ‘study’ in Alabama of the the last century, in which 600 Black men were injected with a so-called preventative for syphilis, but half of those shots deliberately contained the disease agent, infecting and killing many of them. 

How do we know, really, who we can trust?

On the other hand, I figured, this could be an opportunity for us all to get stopped in our tracks, look inwards and, in the quieting of our over-busy lives, reconsider who we are and what we’re actually supposed to be doing here in this world. 

But I was scared—still am—and know that when I am frightened I tend to be much easier to control than when I am not. So I stay very vigilant these days, watching closely how the scene unfolds and what the various pundits from the medical, scientific and political worlds have to say on the subject. I choose not to be led into anyone’s agenda out of fear! 

As an elder with not much to personally lose at this point, I figure it is my job to  watch quietly from the sidelines, paying close attention and questioning what we are being told from all sides. And staying quiet for the time being, beefing up my immune system in all the ways I know how to do, I have come through this year with not even a sniffle.

But keeping my mouth shut is not my strong suit, especially when bankers and billionaires and the shadowy folks running the so-called “Military-Industrial Complex” move onto the scene, making money hand over fist as people rush to get vaccinated before knowing what is actually in the vaccine. 

This makes me very nervous, and I find myself praying for help for myself and all of us. Please…

Enter the mysterious ‘unidentified flying objects’ that appear from we don’t know where, using technologies beyond our comprehensions and before we know it, they are called our “enemies” with whom we must engage in our next warfare!  If we were frightened before, now we are terrified, which gives the government an excuse to earmark even more money to the War Machine and the big business that supports it. Sigh…Personally, my guess would be that who and whatever they are, they have been appearing in our skies for longer than any of us have been alive, probably with the task of protecting us and our planet from ourselves, rather than to wage war on us!

So, given all that and more, when everyone lined up for their shots I was not amongst them. 

Different from the society’s focus on ‘rational thinking’, I count myself amongst the intuitives who follow their gut instincts and tend to trust what we ‘feel’ more than what we ‘think.’ Personally, I try to do both as much as I can. I nearly flunked out of grade school for insisting on this, but more often than not this way of being has worked for me in my everyday life, so I have learned to trust it. Should you ask me to prove it, I will challenge you to disprove it!!

So—I take the wrong train on a trip in Italy but meet, on the next train, a man I fall in love with; I see an article about building with straw, and the next day am introduced to the friend of a friend who happens to be visiting, happens to be an architect and happens to be designing a straw bale house—and 2 years later we have built the first straw bale house in California together, revising the building codes in the process!

Synchronicities like this happen frequently to me, so I’ve learned to use them as creatively as I can, and have a great time in the process! 

Perhaps I am what has been called a ‘Watcher,’ standing somewhat apart from the crowd, noticing the patterns of things as they shift and change like smoke drifting up from a struck match, spiraling and dissolving, changing constantly. I am fascinated by change—how things, on multiple levels, morph, intersect, spread and melt. I watch babies become toddlers, and then children who run on their own two feet and ask me for cookies, and before I know it become fellow grown-ups: our Police Chief’s mother gave birth the same day I did, for example; a wonderful actor in a local theater company used to play with my kids at the Tot Lot.

I love to watch my mind shifting from close-up focus to faraway patterns; I can feel in my body how those subtle cues inform me what is safe to trust—and what is not. So I watch the world closely, as it is now and how it has evolved through my own life and all through history, and I notice how humans have treated the Earth and treated one another, and with what motives. 

And am shocked by much that I see when I look through this lens—wars and enslavement; privilege and poverty, mostly with no other motive than power and wealth for a select few. Just a few people can cause this to happen—and have! 

For example, it was Pope Alexander VI in the 15th Century who, with his henchmen, divided the world in half and “gave” the Western half to Spain and the Eastern half to the rest of the world to fight over! And thus was born colonialism and slavery in the name of God.

Breathe …

The rest, as we know, is history….

In our own era, during the early years of the 20th Century the Serbian inventor Nicolai Tesla created free energy devices that made possible an ingenious and inexpensive way to provide usable energy to everyone on earth based on the natural laws of the Universe. However, he was ignored in favor of the much more costly extraction of fossil fuels because there was big money to be made in oil, and expensive wars to be fought over the land that covered it! 

… and the rest is also… history.

Nicolai Tesla eventually died alone and impoverished in a hotel room, unsung and unnoticed. His genius could have saved us all …

Once upon a time the Earth herself even came up for sale piece by piece, forest by forest with huge swaths going to the highest bidder—forming the class of  ‘landed gentry’—claiming riches for royalty, and poverty for ordinary people. And so the Earth itself—Herself—became claimed as ‘Property’—Private Property—which has led to females as chattel and legal systems inviting the piecemeal destruction of the natural world, because ‘property’ equals power.

…and the rest… is history….

With such arrogance in our own importance, we have remained blind to consequences and continue to take over the natural world, down to manipulating the very atomic structure of our planet to create, of all things, BOMBS! For one insane war! At a Boys Camp! Why did even one person ever agree to go to Los Alamos to work on splitting the atom to make a bomb? 

…the rest, here…is also history… Sigh…

It seems we are very smart, as a species, but that has not led to us being wise—more’s the pity! 

So that’s where I’m coming from. I’m a mature woman who does not trust something in the mix, and I wonder what actually goes on in those laboratories that experiment with viruses? What in the world are the workers actually doing, and how careful are they when they do it? And to what purpose? Frankly, I dread knowing the truth. I am not a scientist myself, but I question why we need to experiment with viruses in the first place? 

I am reminded of the atoms … 

It seems crazy to put the power of life and death into the hands of people who may be smart enough, but certainly not wise enough to have any idea what they are setting into motion. Or maybe they do—which is even worse. 

So that is my dilemma, given that I trust neither Big Pharma, Big Government nor the Corporate Economy to have my—our—interest at heart, and wonder about a program based upon rational science that leaves out intuitive knowing, based on what feels right, and what feels wrong.

So I balk at getting a vaccine that has barely been tested, even on rats! 

Perhaps I’ve read too much science fiction … but perhaps I haven’t read enough.

Still, most of my family lives on the other side of the country, and some of them would rather not be around me if I am not vaccinated. So, given that the virus is loose in the world, and deadly, and though my heart is breaking as I watch us all getting caught in a web not of our making, I held my nose and took the dive. 

…and the rest will be history….

Caught by circumstance, I have made a choice. 

But not quietly.